Much to my joy, Winter is starting to wind down for parts of the country and a lot of you are starting to emerge from hibernation mode and getting back out into the sunlight. But one thing that doesn’t just fade away with the Winds of Winter (damn you George R.R. Martin just finish the book already!) is the need to gather with friends, drink adult beverages (or really sweet Kool-Aid if you’re underage), and watch piece of crap movies. Now there are hundreds of lists of the best, worst films to watch and make fun of with a group of people. Well guess what? Here’s another one! But what sets this one apart from the previous lists is…I made it and its awesome. Here are 5 of my favorites:
Zombeavers – (2014)
When you watch a movie that changes your entire world, you talk about it first. I don’t know if I’ve ever enjoyed a random day of “booze viewing” with friends more than when we discovered Zombeavers on Netflix. If you weren’t already convinced just by the name, then allow me to elaborate.
When a truck wreck causes chemicals to spill into a beaver dam, the furry residents become flesh eating zombies and find their meals on the typical “teenagers in a cabin.” This cinematic delight is certainly made as a spoof but it doesn’t take away the enjoyment. Let me just say that any time you get to see a stuffed beaver eat a man’s wiener, you watch that movie (Btw, I think that might be the only time the term ‘stuffed beaver eat a man’s wiener’ isn’t used used completely sexually). Plus the movie has random appearances by comedian Bill Burr and out of nowhere, John freakin Mayer. So watch the hell out of this movie with your friends, crack open some drinks and have an amazing day.
Undead – (2003)
This is a film that I also watched on a crappy movie night with friends back in college. Undead is an uber horrid Australian zombie film that came out around the turn of the century. The plot not only involves zombies but also delves into aliens as well so you get a double dose of traditional horror/sci fi storylines nestled into one, curled up turd of a film. A fishing village is hit be a number of meteorites that turn the townspeople into blood thirsty zombies. Seems pretty pedestrian. However the scene below is enough for anyone to stop what they’re doing and watch this movie.
Yes. Yes that was a man punching zombie fish. How had no one ever thought to incorporate the slugging of zombified aquatic animals into film before? This might be one of the great questions of all time.
Masters of the Universe – (1987)
There are probably many nerds out there that will read this and think it’s an abomination that I add this movie to the list but honestly it’s absolutely a steamy pile of excrement. The film was obviously taken from the 1980s TV show but didn’t really follow along with its plot at all. In fact its a pretty weird movie with what seemed to have various homophobic undertones. I mean Dolph Lundgren, as He-Man, in a loin cloth throughout the film will make many a person all hot and bothered.
As a person born in the 80’s I grew up toward the end of the He-Man era but I’m nostalgic and wanted to give this film a chance. My only regret is that I didn’t have a 30 pack of beer and 5 friends to enjoy it with. So don’t make that same mistake. Check out Dolph, Frank Langella (Skeletor), and a super young Courteney Cox in this majestic butt bomb.
Drive Angry – (2011)
Oh my dear Lord what has happened to friggin Nic Cage. How this movie got a 44% on Rotten Tomatoes is one of the great miracles of our time. Normally I would consider this as kind of a spoof film…but with Nicolas Cage’s resume as of late, I’m gonna go on a limb and say he was quite serious with this flick. Cage plays John Milton (I assume this is an allusion to the classic writer which makes it more hilariously bad that they tried to get so deep) who breaks out of Hell to save his granddaughter from being sacrificed in a cult ritual. Sounds beautiful doesn’t it. There’s tons of breasts and death which is the perfect recipe for a “booze view” get together. Plus Amber Heard does her normal by wearing skimpy clothing and horribly act. Plus its Nic Cage in a bad movie. Just watch it people.
House of Wax – (2005)
This is actually one suggested by my lovely wife and she is dead on. I’m referring to the awful remake from the mid-2000s not the old school original. My goodness how this movie is rotten on so many levels. Pretty typical of modern horror films as they accumulated some of that years worst young actors (though Jared Padalecki has redeemed himself quite nicely with Supernatural) cast them as complete jackasses who you really just want all to die by the end of the film anyway. Plus the only film anybody wants to see Paris Hilton in needs to be grainy and tinted in green. But I digress.
If you want to watch a movie where horny, witless teenagers that get trapped in the middle of nowhere and have to not get turned into human figurines by a backwoods family. Basically there is no reason for you ever to trust people that never leave their tiny home town in the South. Just keep driving.
So I hope this small list will help you and your friends for your next gathering. Put on one of these disasters and you will grow closer with everyone in the room. It’ll get your Winter to Spring transition going seamlessly.
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