By Trevor Law
It’s Star Wars week here at Nerd Union and with Christmas so close, I decided to watch the Star Wars holiday special. I have heard stories of how bad it is, but I just had to see it myself. The special stars the original cast from Star Wars as well as a laundry list of 70’s TV stars. The intro is Han and Chewbacca attempting to escape two Star Destroyers. The set is … well something you would expect from a 70’s scifi set.
I really want to start drinking right now. It’s so very bad. The first part was just campy and super 70’s but then it gets to the wookiee family and the demon child. Seriously that is some real nightmare fuel. There is a solid ten minutes of just wookies talking. It is just awful, nothing but screaming and shrieking. It takes a turn to the even more insane when the kid wookiee (yes, there is a kid wookiee) turns on a hologram and he watches a really crappy version of cirque du soleil. A creepy guy in green blows a horn in a circle while people jump around.
Then the wookies get worried that Chewbacca hasn’t come home for Life Day. That’s right, because Wookies don’t celebrate Hanukkah or Christmas. So they call Luke Skywalker and R2-D2. Luke tells them that they are overdue and all the Wookiees get very scared, so they call some old man who owns a trade store (Art Carney of The Honeymooners). He tells them that Chewbacca is trying to get around a blockade, but should be able to get there. Random old guy then shows up at their house, giving the wookiees gifts. That is when things take a HARD left turn.
One of the Wookies puts on a helmet that shows him scenes of random blue people swimming in a diamond. It the eventually forms into a beautiful woman (Diahann Carroll), telling him that she is his fantasy. That is right. This just turned into a wookiee sex line! It is so bizarre and creepy I had to pause the special, just to catch up and dwell on this freaky moment in Television history. Me and my roommate just stared in a kind of awe at what we were witnessing. Then she started singing, pretty well actually, but she was singing a siren’s song to a wookiee so it was still weird as hell. A moment so creepy and bizarre that it’s hard to understand how it made it onto a TV screen in 1978. We are only 30 minutes into an hour and half special.
Yeah! Princess Leia and C-3P0 showed up. Apparently these Wookies are helpless without either Chewie and or a human to take charge. Also Leia’s office sucks. You would think a leader of the Rebellion could’ve afforded well…anything better. This is when Han and Chewie finally arrive on the planet, only for OH NO THE EMPIRE IS HERE! I can’t tell if this is getting better or I’m just getting used to how bad this is. Also, sorry if this stops making sense. I’m starting to drink to make it through this. Its only been 40 minutes. Why does the lead officer keep snapping?! It seems so counter productive!
Another imperial officer finds a strange piece of equipment and makes the trader turn it on. Oh my God! Jefferson Starship is in it! They are purple for some reason. The officer seems to like it, proving the empire is evil…or at least has terrible taste. I don’t think I can make it. I’m only 46 minutes into this and I can’t keep going. How am I just now at the halfway point. Why did I do this to myself?!
Mercifully, Jefferon Starship stops singing only to be replaced by the terrible acting of the empire. Snappy McStormtrooper keeps threatening the wookiees, and then OH NO! Several cartoons have been removed because of copyrights so I won’t get the full effect! How shall I ever live with myself!?
The Empire ransacks the house, including demon wookiee kid’s. Oh no, its so sad, demon wookiee is crying and looking through his stuff, trying to put things together. He turns on some video and … I have no idea what the hell is going on. He is a robot of some kind and is giving a tutorial on how to fix something. The guy keeps wagging his tongue at me. Why … why is he doing that?! Why was this made? I don’t understand what is going on. This is some kind of descent into madness at this point.
Now we get some imperial propaganda. Its actually kind of awesome. They are showing Tatooine and how a world without the empire is. A bunch of dirty aliens are talking, laughing and walking around. Also Bea Arthur is a bartender! Wait some thing is trying to seduce her? I’m watching Bea Arthur in a cantina on Tatooine turn some schmuck down. I take it back, this is one of the greatest things I have ever seen. Oh, keep in mind the Empire is making us watch this. Oh wait, random guy seems to be wooing her successfully! Wait now he is creepy, he is turning into a creeper. Please stop Bro, oh God, he just grabbed Bea Arthur! Why?! Bea Arthur just poured a drink on his head. Bea Arthur you heart breaker you!
Wait, I thought we were watching a propaganda video of Bee Arthur, now she is a character we are following?! What the hell?! Aww, they are making her close her bar! The Empire is so mean and now Bea Arthur needs help for some reason. Now I’m just confused, what the heck?! Now aliens are yelling at Bea Arthur for being trying to kick everyone help. She is singing … holy cow, this is amazing again. Everything about this now shifted into so bad its awesome. I am keeping this song on my phone. Her singing seems to be having a pied piper effect as she lures all the aliens out of her bar. Now I want to watch Golden Girls …
Oh know! The empire just found a secret transmitter in Demon wookiees room! Now a stormtrooper is trying to kill them, but Han is able to trick the stormtrooper into … jumping to his own death?! Now Chewbacca is back with his family and they can celebrate Life Day! Aww, such a tender moment as he looks at his wife. They seem to be crying … it’s … super weird … wait the Empire sends out a planet wide alert for one missing Stormtrooper … and then some random trader can contact the leader of the planet?! Wait why am I bothered by something like that when the Wookiees are talking to each other still … in Shyriiwook and they are holding up … what the hell are they holding up? Snow globes with fire in them?! Wait, did all the Wookiee’s just die?! Is Life Day an ironic holiday of mass suicide?! Oh God … all the Wookiees are gathered in one place now … their is a wookiee children’s choir. This is awful. Oh great, now Han, Luke and Leia are here to celebrate with it. Leia is giving a weird mix of an anti-Empire speech and talking about Life Day and a giant tree.
She is singing! Princess Leia is singing!? Why, what is this!? She is singing about Life Day and how great it is, and also how they will be free. We will be free to live, to grow, and to trust. Thank you Leia, that was exactly what was needed finish this.
Its over…its finally over. This was one of the worst things I’ve ever seen, but it did sometimes become so bad its awesome, but I can never forgive it for for Demon kid Wookiee.
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