By Trevor Law
Recently I joined several facebook groups that talk about politics, on a lark. Also I enjoy a good spirited debate and so I knew I would have some interesting conversation in groups that had people talking about politics. I was sure I would be both annoyed, but also stimulated by the experience. Instead I was showed how you are supposed to talk about politics. Here is my helpful guide to doing just that!
#1 Use memes instead of real arguments.
I quickly found out that people rarely make a real defense or attack on a candidate or a policy. They find some meme, or picture caption to use instead of real words or sentences. After all, why actually think when you could just spout some nonsense you got off reddit or a facebook page? Its important to use pictures instead of real arguments that you make, because you might be forced to examine your own beliefs and this can never happen, because you are always right.
#2 Be as offensive as possible
Now when you are making arguments about abortion, gun control or the welfare state, its very, very important you think of the other side as a huge mountain of garbage, instead of another human being with an honest disagreement of opinion, be sure to call them baby killers, or use racial slurs, or of being anti-American. There is no limit to how terrible you should be, oh and if you can accuse them of being a Nazis then that is really the best path forward.
#3 Take every argument to its most extreme as quickly as possible
Now this one is tricky, so you really need to thread the needle pretty carefully here. Say someone wants to talk about gun control, it is important, NAY VITAL, that you accuse them of trying to take everyone’s guns and round people into concentration camps. Or say someone thinks the tax rate is too high, you need to immediately accuse them of letting kids die so corporate fat cats can own their own planes. Whatever their argument, under no circumstances are you to try and understand the merits of their argument and try to figure out what they are really saying.
#4 Never read, or try to understand the article or authors initial point
Now say you see an article that is talking about some policy you are only vaguely familiar with but it triggers a gut emotional reaction, under no circumstances are you to read that article! You see what you need to do is summarize the point you want to talk about and then attack that point. Never read anything that challenges your preconceived notions and under no circumstances are you to talk about what the original author or poster is trying to talk about.
#5 Be as vague as possible
Say you see something you disagree with, and it’s about … oh … I don’t know piercing dogs’ ears. Now you might be tempted to talk about how awesome/terrible that is, but remember, you are on the internets. When you see that you need to say something like “Dogs are just part of the corporate machine!” or “Everyone knows the Illuminati control the piercing industry! Don’t chip your dog so they can be turned into spies!” or better yet, just put some random hashtag, that’ll be just as good. #Obamaisaterroist #Kennyisalwayslate
#6 Always use bad sources or unsourced material
Never, ever, under any circumstances use a real news organization like the Washington Post or the Wall Street Journal. Get your news from Red State, Huffington Post, Drudge, or some other random blog that looks like a news site and uses no fact checkers and has zero reason to make sure they post accurate information, or be sure to use something like RT, which is owned by the Russian government. You see if you get news from an actual news source instead of some random blog, or partisan site then you might actually learn something about what is going on in the world around you. What you really need to do is find the echo chamber that sends back the thoughts and perceptions you see in the world around you. Do not leave this echo chamber, or else you might start to understand a political opponent’s reasoning and if this happens you might develop a sense of empathy, which has no place in a political discussion online.
Now these may seem like some tough rules to follow, but if you do, it ensures several things, like
- you will learn nothing new
- you will despise all who disagree with you
- people will assume you are an internet troll
- you will only reinforce what those that disagree with you think of you and those who agree with you
- you will make the world slightly worse than when you first started typing
On a personal note I find it horrendous that places that discuss Sci-Fi, Fantasy, or Roleplaying games are INFINITELY more mature than almost any political message board out there. You would think that the most mature individuals would gravitate towards politics, but instead you will find the exact opposite of a mature discussion. So remember boys and girls, to follow these rule, otherwise you might actually treat someone who disagrees with you like a human being.
All of said rules also apply to atheism and religion as well.